What My Mental Breakdown Taught Me About Productivity, People-Pleasing, and Feminism?
Tuesday evening. Tremendous fear. Something I hadn’t felt in months. The line of Poe's The Raven echoed in my head: “Tis some visitor,” I muttered, “tapping at my chamber door — Only this and nothing more.” (5–6).
Is someone at my door? Or it's only my mind? Which scenario is scarier?
I put my right ear close to the door, and I started to hear whispers, someone is there, but I know no ones there.
There is someone, and there is no one outside my door at the same time.
When you are having an episode, you think you are back at step one. Society sees mental struggles as a failure or as a stop sign, which disables you from moving forward in life.
I see mental breakdowns as perfect moments to reflect what led me to this break. Major fear and paranoia don’t come from thin air, at least for me.
Is it better to swim with the river, accept every ebb and flow, or is it better to swim against the river and pretend that you are moving forward (be blinded by the stream — an unnecessary struggle which makes you think that you are moving forward).
Amid my episode, I started to film myself. It’s crucial to talk through your experience and document the process. It will help you in the moment, and later you will be able to look back on the feelings you felt, main points, concerns you mentioned, your body language, the way you acted. If you go to therapy, you can show your recordings to your therapist.
My lessons:
Measuring my worth in levels of productivity — a rake, I stepped on way too many times
How did I fuck up here?
First of all, it’s a sense of failure. I have dropped out of school many times, now I have put this pressure on myself to make up for those lost years. ‘’Life is short. Do what you want NOW.’’ This message— I see nearly every day on social media—doesn’t help me. It only makes me want to wrap back into my cocoon.
How does it make me feel?
I feel like I haven’t done enough. It makes me think of how much I have missed out in life, (I am 22, my life has barely started).
It overwhelms me. Makes me think that I have to do everything I want NOW, which is unrealistic.
“Do things NOW” statement goes hand in hand with the race we all are in, but where are we running?
My recent paranoia episode reminded me to stop racing. First of all, no one is my competition. Even though there are many people in my field, that doesn’t mean they all have the same vision, the same purpose as me. I believe that we all have our aim in the world, and there’s enough space for all of us.
I focused on the wrong things
Yet another pit I tend to fall into again and again.
Sometimes we run after things and people that are not for us. Unconsciously we know it, but they fit into the image of our fantasy selves and our fantasy lives.
My unsolicited advice:
Come back to the ground
Stay grounded, remind yourself to be here and now. Imagine how you are connecting with the ground, grounding yourself into this moment. It’s essential to be present because we can have our heads in the clouds, and we have this collective image of how success and good life should look like, but it’s a collective vision, not your individual. It’s easier to set your priorities right when you are here and now on the ground.
You know yourself the best
Turn out the advice and opinions of others, including your loved ones. Often people have ideas of us that are not necessarily wrong, but those ideas are not the full picture. We all have that one person in our lives who thinks that they know how our lives should look like, from our outfits to our romantic interests. It can mess with our heads because these people know us. Right? Not really. They may know more facts about you than others, your reactions to situations. But they can’t go into your head or your heart and see what you truly want. I believe we are ever-changing, and no matter how well a person knows you, they can’t understand it all. We all have secrets. Usually, the deepest desires remain unsaid. It may be fear of judgment, disbelief in our abilities, etc.
Why will I never be good enough?
You are doing this thing, but it’s not quite right. You move to the second thing, no, no, no, it’s no good either. Then the third thing. Guess what? It’s not enough. Then the cycle begins again. No matter what you do, someone will have a problem with it.
You are too skinny, then you gain weight, and suddenly you are too big; that kind of thing.
As a woman, I feel like I will never win. We can dress as modest as possible or as revealing as possible, but it will be our fault if someone tries to sexually assault us.
“You look like a good girl. I like good girls.” ‘’I love how passionately you speak. I can only imagine what you are like in bed.’’ (I kid you not, some people still talk this way.)
At the age of 22, I have finally realized that I don’t need to explain why I feel the way I do to anyone. I don’t need to educate men on misogyny or feminism; they are grown-ups who know how to open a book or google. When it comes to other women, I don’t need to be their teacher either. Pay me if you need tutoring. You can talk with a wall for only so long.
Less talk, more action
How does feminism tie into my breakdown lessons?
I have been quiet for so long. I have been gaslighted by people around me and by society as a whole. Most of my teenage years and my early 20's, I didn’t feel like I could speak up because my opinions (based on equality and human rights) made some people uncomfortable. And this lack of acceptance made me sensitive, frustrated, and angry. Then my anger made (still makes others) uncomfortable. I’m not going to feel ashamed of my emotions and morals anymore. I rather be the angry one or the loud one than stay quiet and regret my silence on the death bed.
“If you always do what interests you, at least one person is pleased.” Katharine Hepburn
Stop making yourself small. Level up
I have realized that my emotions are not the problem. My anger and frustration towards misogyny, racism, xenophobia, transphobia and ignorance, in general, are not hurting anyone. People feel uncomfortable because someone is challenging their beliefs, or they weren’t allowed to be angry when they grew up. We choose to believe what we already believe.
Should I stay quiet to please some people? Or to speak up to please myself (and perhaps do something great on this Earth)?
Don’t be a people pleaser because it won’t make you happier, more vital, more productive, or more fearless. It won’t make you go any further in life, you will have an illusion of success, but one day you will wake up and realize that you have lived to please others.
“I admired anyone who could unsettle people.” J.G. Ballard
I don’t know much about J.G. Ballard, but I will continue his work. I will admire anyone who can unsettle people.
